A bridge or no bridge?

Do you have a bridge in your nose? I do. In fact, all of us do who are of Caucasion decent. But if you're Asian, you may not. Actually, they have what are refered to as flat or low nose bridges. It isn't something I would usually notice in a person; between Asians and Caucasions I notice the eye differences primarily. Though, in SE Asia, I've experienced that many Asians see the differences in our noses more prominently than we Caucasions do, especially in regions where white people rarely visit. I've walked down the streets of Rangoon, and through villages in Cambodia where adults would belly laugh at me and make a gesture over their noses that says, "Look at that huge nose!" They think it's hilarious. And in the mood of celebrating differences, I laugh with them. After all, I don't have the best nose. I mean, it works OK, but it is a little prominent on my otherwise small face.
Interestingly enough, my nose has also been of much concern to my new Filipino son. He started pushing my nose down, trying to flatten it, the day he met me. For nearly two weeks, after any time that he would take a good long look at me, he'd attempt to flatten my nose. It just didn't look right to him. It is kind of funny. But, I wonder what else hasn't looked right. He's eaten the American food, worn a coat and hat; he hasn't compared our skin tones, or tried to narrow my eyes. But there was something about my nose...
Today was the first day he hasn't tried to flatten it. It sounds insignificant, but it felt that a real sign of acceptance. It was like his way of saying, "I'm Filipino, you're not-so what. You're my mom."
Coincidently, this breakthrough of accepting my nose came after an especially difficult day yesterday. The poor guy woke up from his afternoon nap, looked around, looked at me, and started to cry. It wasn't an "I'm hungry" cry, or a "You're not getting me out of this bed fast enough" cry. It was a deep, sad, big tear cry. It was the grieving that I had read about that would happen when an adopted toddler suffers the loss of his birthparent or caretaker when being placed with an adoptive family. He had shown definite signs of fear and confusion previously, but this was the first time I saw his truly sad. J. isn't normally a cuddly child. He likes to play and be held in order to get to point B, but he doesn't choose to snuggle up in my lap, hold on, and read a book. Unless he's sad. After his nap yesterday, his buried his head in my shoulder and cried for quite a while. He looked at me, touched my face like C. does, like a blind person trying to "see" a stranger, tried to flatten my nose, and cried and cried. Though he doesn't speak, I knew what was wrong: He was homesick.
I put him on my lap and took out a photo album with pictures of him and the nuns from his orphanage. He put his tiny fingers under the photo lamination pages to touch the nun's faces, and smiled, and laughed and cried all at the same time. I let him sit on my lap and hold those pictures as long as he chose. He touched the nun's face who was in charge of the orphanage nursery for nearly five minutes. After awhile, he turned to me with dry eyes. I asked him, "Love Mama?" and he gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek. Then he signed that he was hungry, and was back to his normal self.
J. has a long, sad journey behind him, and an even longer one ahead of him. However, the paths to come have much more hope in them, Lord willing, than the ones he's been down before. I guess for him, one step on this grieving, exciting, confusing, loving, frustrating road he's on was to accept my nose. And he did that. So, how bad can tomorrow be?
(The picture is of J. with a rain stick I bought for him from his homeland. Like me, he loves the sound of rain).

Pictures-AGAIN!

J.: "We have to take pictures again?"
C.: "Yeah-she does this all the time. And remember, she doesn't stop until it's perfect. And new guy-if you keep me here all day they'll be revenge. You're not getting any of my carrots at dinner. I know it'll be hard with a face like that, but just follow my lead and it'll be over real soon. Come on-like me. Look cute."
C.: "Wait a minute...you're going to need some help. Here-lift your lips up, like this, and look right into the camera."
J.: "How does this look?"
C.: "OK-hold it right there and we may have something."

C.: "Oh, new guy, you've got a lot to learn... This lady does NOT do goofy. You've got to be cool and natural, like me. I told you-think cute."

C.: "Time out, Mom-we need a minute to confer. OK, new guy, just listen to me. I'll tell you how it's done."
J.: "I'll do whatever you say. Just make it end."

J.: "How's this?"
C.: "That's better, but it's taking so much of my energy to get it out of you that you made me forget to smile. One more. And do it right; I'm seeing spots."

C.: "Perfect!"
J.: "This lady's crazy."
C.: "Yeah-but as long as you smile, she's happy, so keep it up. You may even get some of my carrots."

Current Family Photos-February

Happy February from Tim, Tiffany, J. and C.!
This is a long post, but I'm over jet-lag enough now to fully share our experience in the Philippines picking up J. There are a couple of pictures of C. too, of course! But most of this is dedicated to our time in the Philippines. Feel free to comment with-well-comments, and questions! I know people have been calling and stopping by with all sorts of questions. I'm awake enough now to answer them! Hope you had a wonderful Valentines' Day!

This is me sitting with the sisters, case workers, and Dr.'s going over all of J.'s information before we met him. We were given a month by month Life Book with pictures covering his entire time at the orphanage. He will treasure that later. It took quite a while to go over all of the medical information with the Dr. Though I was anxious to meet J. (we could hear him playing in the other room during this meeting), this was one meeting that I did not want to rush. I knew it would be very important to know what time he went to bed, what vegetables he likes, what comforts him, and what his last X-rays showed once we got home.





I'm so glad that I read books on toddler adoption, and spoke with other adoptive families before making this trip. I know many adopters of toddlers expect the little one to run into their arms yelling, "Mommy! You've come to save me!" at first sight. Well, far different is reality! I was a stranger, and J. was taught well-don't go to strangers. It took some aquainting, pleading, bribing, tricking, and coersing to get him to come to me. A sister he trusted, J. and I played with a truck I brought him. Then we played peek-a-boo under a table. He wouldn't let me hold him, so the sister suggested that she take his feet and I take his arms and we carry him together. Then he'd hold my hand. He took me all around the orphanage grounds to show me the fish pond. And finally, he let me hold him. But it wasn't without a few, "If you touch me, I'm gonna punch you!" moments. (See above). I think we had one of those today actually after he threw his apple on the floor and got put in time-out... oh the joy of toddlers! The tee-shirt he had on when I met him, the one in the pictures, says, "When God Made Me He Was Just Showing Off." I agree!
Finally! After about an hour, he let me hold him without arching his back, reaching for the sisters, or crying! Now we only have to make it to America! The sad taxi ride away from the orphanage. He clung to me like this for at least 24 hours, and made a pitiful sound that sounded like a hurt cat. It was very bittersweet. I wished more than anything that I could replace his limited 2 year old understanding of what was happening to him with mine. He stopped making that sound after we got to our house in America. The fingerprints at the Inter-Country Adoption Board that made him officially no longer an orphan, and our son (pending the 6 month probationary period, the US courts, the paperwork in the States, etc...). Irregardless-a very important fingerprint! It's what got him through immigration at the first US stop we made coming home.


Out and about in Manila. I chose to have his hair cut in Manila so that the stylist spoke his language and could try to ease his fears. He was still terrified,but he didn't scream.




We made it home, and we've been shutter happy trying to catch all of the cute moments. EVERYTHING is new to him, from carpet to telephones, microwaves to soccer balls, geese to cold weather, etc...He is constantly pointing and grunting, "What's that?" He loves this monkey puppet that makes a monkey sound, and of course-bubbles. He had a great time at the park this afternoon, and refused to eat anything but McDonalds and chocolate chip cookies all day. (I even offered rice). But I guess even if rice is all you know, it's impossible to pass up chocolate chip cookies! He's getting better at listening to Dad on the phone. And we made sure to get him out with the soccer ball immediately! (Just for Tim).



Here are some picures of a day we took out of Manila. The waterfalls are at Pagsanjan, about 2 hours south of Manila. We rode in a dug out canoe that a Filipino "boatman" oared and footed for lack of a better word through the rapids, rocks and jungle until we reached a 70 foot waterfall. It was beautiful to see the foliage, hear the birds, watch the monkeys jump on the trees (can you find the monkey in the picture??), and feel the cool water. This was the day before we got J., so he wasn't with us.
C. is growing up big and strong too! He still loves the bath, and is one of the two most handsome boys in the world-not that I'm biased... And toddler make three! We cannot wait for Dad to get home! Mom leaves tomorrow, and I'm really wondering how this is going to work alone. But we;ll find a way. At least J. and C. are getting along better. J. rushed to get C.'s pacifier when he was crying this afternoon, and rocked his bouncy chair to calm him down. He even hugged C. goodnight, and they held hands in their car seats coming home from errands! Yeah! They like each other-for the most part. They at least can stand each other long enough to sit with Mommy for a picture. Hurry home, Daddy! The house is loud and crazy, but lonely, without you.

We're Home!

Well, we're home, almost over jetlag, and we're borrowing a friend's computer because ours died, and I can finally update you all on J.! Tim and I are so blessed to have two amazing little boys! Mom and I had a fabulous trip to the Philippines. We toured Manila, went to Pagsanjan waterfalls, walked through parks, rode a horse wagon, and ate Filipino food. I can't wait to go back when J. is older so that he can see his beautiful homeland.
We met J. Monday afternoon at the orphanage. He took about an hour to warm up to me-which is a very good sign. If he had ran up to me with open arms it would have been a huge sign of attachment disorder. This way, he proved he was attached to someone else-Sister Emma, and was weary of strangers. That's a good thing. But eventually, he took my hand and showed me the fish pond on the orphanage grounds. Then he let me carry him and played peek-a-boo with me. The nuns had a nice good-bye ceremony for him, blessed him, and sang, "The Lord Bless You and Keep You." He was well cared for, certainly. They had over twenty babies, and one full time nursery worker. Needless to say, though 2 1/2, J. was still drinking from a bottle and sleeping in a crib when I met him. I haven't given him a bottle since we've been home and he hasn't missed it, so I think we're beyond that now.
He didn't cry when we got in the car to leave the orphanage, but he looked terribly sad and terrified. He made a pitiful sound all night that resembled a crying cat, and he clung to me.
Many of you know we were very conncerned about his speech becuase he isn't speaking in any language. But my friend, who is a speech pathologist, spent some time with him, and she thinks he'll come along just fine. She said that many bi-lingual kids don't speak until they are closer to three years old. And since he has been home, J. has tried to say, "chicken," he said, "Ruff! Ruff!" to his toy dog, and today he started saying, "Up!" when he lifts his hands up and wants to be held. He has picked up several signs in sign language, like "more," "eat", and "all gone." There is no doubt now that his brain is fine. It is just a language delay.
Another piece of good news is that his leg isn't bowed as severely as it was in the referral photos, but he is definately crooked. One leg is longer than the other, and his spine is not straight. He has an appointment the first week of March to begin the process of straightening him out so that he is more comfortable and stable. That said, he has compensated tremendously! He runs, climbs, jumps, etc... With pants on, no one knows he is deformed.
Today, a friend came over with her son, and J. played with him like any other 2 year old. He ran, jumped, kicked and threw a ball; he laughed, initiated play, and got mad when he lost his toy. These are all wonderful signs that he will acclimate well.
We're pleased that he responds to "J." already. Since they called him Kuya ("Big Brother") in the orphanage, and Kuya sounds like J. he quickly switched.
As you can see, he is beautiful! Mom has all the best pictures of him on her camera, but here's a few. I'd love to send pictures of J. and C. together, but we aren't quite there yet. C. is still the baby that is taking Mommy's attention. But everyday, J. gets closer to him.
Please pray that he gets over jet-lag SOON. Being up from midnight to 4:00 am is getting old fast. He and C. are on opposite nap schedules, so there is no time for a nap for me in the day to cath up on sleep. When my mom leaves, I'll be beyond exhausted! Also, pray that his body heals, and he catches up developmentally. Thank you for your prayers, and we'll be in touch! Blessings,

Prayer

" I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matt. 21:21-22

" Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to care for widows and orphans in their time of need, and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

Our preacher said recently, "God isn't a genie in a bottle." True. But His Word clearly teaches that when we pray in faith for those things that are according to His purpose, our prayers are answered. Thank you for praying in faith for one of the hundreds of thousands of orphaned children of God to come into his forever home. You prayers were heard, and answered. Our agency called this morning and said that the US Embassy granted J. a visa yesterday without any problems, and I can go get him anytime! YEAH!! My mother and I are leaving next Thursday, the 9th, and I'll pick him up from his orphange Monday morning. Please contine to pray that the poor guy isn't too sad or terrified to leave the only home he remembers, that we're all kept safe, and that the transition is easy. Blessings,
Tiffany

One more delay...

One More Delay. . . (a small one)

Well, we've hit one more small delay bringing J. home. Our agency called this morning, after speaking with the adoption powers-that-be in the Philippines. The good news is that we did get confirmation that Judah passed his medical review at the Embassy last Monday. So medically, he is cleared for entry into the US. With international adoption, there is always a concern that the child will have greater medical needs than what were originally stated, so it is comforting that a US doctor looked him over well and passed him through.

More good news: Judah is on the schedule for this week's visa interviews.

The bad news: There is still some concern about whether or not he will pass the interview because of his legal paperwork. Some of you know that this has been the headache for the past two months. His legal papers, like birth certificates, death certificates, and abandonment papers, all originally had a different family name. This led the US offices to wonder if the papers represented the same child, or if something fishy was going on. This is a legitimate concern considering that SE Asia is the world's capital for human trafficking. Well, we got all new legal papers, this time all with the same name, except ONE. It is a legal document in regards to Judah's deceased biological mother, and since she is deceased, there isn't much we can do to change it, obviously. These new papers and affidavits by members of his biological family that say he is one and the same child satisfied the state level, US Citizenship and Immigration, the US Visa Center, and the Philippines. But the Philippines is now saying, "Let's make sure that the US Embassy in Manila is satisfied with these papers as well before you get on a plane." This is what is examined at J.'s visa interview. Thankfully, Judah's caretakers from the orphanage and a representative from the Philippine Adoption Board will be there with him at this interview and they can vouch for the authenticity of the papers.

Our agency will call us Wed. night to tell me the results of J.'s visa interview at the Embassy-pass or fail. If pass, we leave NEXT Thursday. IF fail, grrrrr.....I don't know what we'll do. But I'm sure you all will pray that that won't happen! I was a little bummed, of course, when the agency called this morning telling us to postpone for one week, but I have to remember that this is all in God's timing. There is some reason why Judah's travel to his forever home has been delayed again and again. Frankly, I don't see it or understand it now, but I have to believe that there is a reason. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to meeting my son Feb. 13th! Blessings,
Tiffany

Finally!

FINALLY!!!!
One of these days, I really am going to do a thorough post of the inter-country adoption process, beginning to end. I've heard from a few of you that you have friends considering adoption, and you refer them to this blog. So, it would definately be beneficial for me to explain that process. But that's a post for another day, when I have more time. For today-I'm just going to update the latest news in the journey to get our little boy, J., out of an orphanage in Manila and into our home. Those of you in the inner circle- you know it has been quite a process! I think we've hit every glitch possible trying to get this little guy home. But here's the latest:

After a few heated discussions with the US Citizenship and Immigration office, we finally received the I-171 from their office on Christmas Eve. (The I-171 is like the magic key in foreign adoption. It says, "Your petition to get a visa for the above mentioned child is approved, and he is from here on considered your son by the US government"). Then the I-171 goes to New Hampshire where it needs to pass through an inspection before passing on the US Embassy in Manila where the actual visa is issued. Explaining this, I feel like I should break into the "How a Bill Becomes a Law" song from School House Rock... Anyway, our petition was sent to the Embassy in Manila on Dec. 29th.

Our agency has been waiting, and waiting, and waiting for the Embassy to call or email saying, "We have your petition, and we're working on it." But, no phone call came. Naturally.

Yesterday, our agency called the Embassy to see what was going on. This is what they said, "Oh-yes! We have that petition. We have already met with child, and conducted his medical review. All that's left is his visa interview, and he's ready to be picked up."

Our agnecy asked, "When will he have the visa interview?"

And they answered, "Probably next week."

NEXT WEEK!!!

So, the agency called me, and said, "Do you think you can travel to pick up your little boy next Thursday?"

Can I? I can travel tomorrow!

There is a small chance that the Embassy will not be able to fit his interview in next week, and it will be postponed until the week after. But my homework from the agency is to get a flight and travel itinerary so that he can present it to the Embassy Monday morning. Basically, he wants to tell them, "Tiffany will be in Manila Feb. 3rd, so please have her son ready by then."

So, FINALLY we are at the end of this long, complicated process. J. has grown up so much since he was referred to us back in August. You can see the picture we received of him in his referral packet above, and then the latest picture we received a couple of months ago. I can't believe he's almost 2 1/2 now. Pray the process in Manila goes smoothly this week. We don't want any more delays!
Please pray that our travels to get him are safe.
And pray that he has a teachable spirit (as we used say in the education field), that he may blend well into this family, as smoothly and painlessly as possible. Have a blessed day!

See You Again

If you’re a military family, you understand those “See you again,” moments. They aren’t just the hugs and kisses that are given right before boarding the plane. They are moments that encompass about a 2 week period before leaving. They are the moments that you capture to hold as memories when you’re far away.

They begin when you start to think, “What will I miss?” Tim would miss C.’s first feeding, the first crawl, possibly the first steps. He’d miss Valentines’ Day, my birthday, Easter, Memorial Day, and maybe C.’s first birthday. So, we try to cram in as much of the milestones as possible before he leaves. C. ate cereal for the first time the morning Tim left. The book (you know, THE book-“What to Expect the First Year”) said that babies will usually only eat a couple of bites that first feeding. Not C.-he ate the whole 2 oz. bowl! There were some messy memories made there. Good friends babysat C. so that Tim and I could go out on a nice "Valentine’s Day" date Thursday night. We didn’t paint Easter eggs, though, or force C. to walk, but we did cherish every moment.
















My mom sent me an email about Maya Angelou this morning, and I got to thinking about her works: the strong woman she presents in “Phenomenal Woman,” the enlightenment she reaches in “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings,” and most notably in my thoughts, “Amazing Peace,” the poem she read at the Christmas tree lighting ceremony at the White House this year. It is a 30 something page long plea for peace.

Arguments for war and arguments against war have gone on since the very first war, I imagine.
I don't have any desire to debate war here. I'll always question whether or not it is justified to fight and kill for earthly freedoms, when there is a greater, heavenly freedom that transcends the strongest inprisonments. I'll always question those who say, "Freedom isn't free," because I know that the freedom God gave me through His son IS free. If you locked me up in an Iraqi prison without a Bible, a gun, or a voice, I would still be gloriously free. No one can touch that which He gave me. At the same time, I'll always cry when the American tank cranks down the consentration camp alley in the movie "Life is Beautiful" to save the little jewish boy. And when Tim is gone, I'll always look at a painting I bought on the streets of Saigon of an Afghan woman whose face, all except her eyes, are completely covered in dark blue fabric. I look at that painting and smile because I know that she doesn't have to wear that anymore. The movie "Osama" has a happy ending that isn't in the film, and that heals part of my broken heart from Tim's absense.

This weekend, Martin Luther King Jr's holiday, is a time when people speak up for civil disobedience. Afterall, there's a reason why we celebrate Martin Luther King day and not Malcolm X day. I look at my picture of Aung San Suu Kyi, read proverbs by Ghandi and the Dalai Lama, and Jesus. I respect those peaceful teachings greatly. On the other hand, if someone were to harm my son because of the color of his skin, ignoring the content of his character, I'd be mad. Fighting mad.

Obviously, I don’t know all the answers, just like God said I wouldn't. "The foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength," 1 Cor. 1:25. And Solomon, a King much wiser than me, said, "There's a time for war, and a time for peace." Though Jesus said, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Of course, later in the same paragraph, He said, "Be perfect, therefore, as your Heavenly Father is perfect." Matt. 5:43ff. Me-perfect? Not yet. Until we reach perfection, there are somethings we can agree upon. We can be happy that little Afghan girls can go to school now. Women can walk down the street without fear of being stoned to death for showing their ankles. Music returned to the streets of Kabul, Iraqi torture chambers have been turned into hospitals, and middle-eastern elections are held with hundreds of candidates, people giddy at the thought of democracy. I’m proud of my husband for contributing to this; for helping to free the oppressed, and I hope all of the "see you again moments" we created before he left see him through hard days. There is one other thing that all of us mortals can agree to do, those of us who fight and those of us who write. We can pray for peace, and we can pray for those who are far away, like Tim. Or as Maya Angelou put it, “Angels and Mortals, Believers and Nonbelievers, look heavenward, and speak the word aloud. Peace.”

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

The journey to our angel

The Journey to our Angel
C. is our surprise baby! Yes, that can happen in adoption too. It would be helpful to read “The journey to J.” (though that isn’t posted yet) to get the full story of how C. came to be a part of our family. At a few points, their adoption stories intertwine. Though, I’ll do my best to give C. his own post, and J. his own post.

For Tim and me, the choice between a domestic adoption or an international adoption was an easy one. It was our time oversees that led us to adoption in the first place, so international adoption was really the only type that we considered. “Families wait years for babies in America,” I told Tim. “We’re not parents desperately trying to get a baby; we’re wanting to parent a child that desperately needs a home.” As we saw it, the ratio between available children and waiting adoptive families in America was well slanted in the direction of the adoptive families. “There is a need in the Philippines,” we said. “Let’s adopt from there.”

However, everything changed at an adoption conference we went to in October of 2004. The director of our agency began speaking of all the healthy newborns that came through the agency each year for whom homes couldn’t be found. Some of these babies spent months in foster care before they were placed in another state. Some never made it out of foster care. Tim and I looked at each other, and thought, “In America? What’s the problem?” The problem as it turned out, was that these infants are of a minority race. It suddenly became clear that the other fifty or so families at the conference, many who had been waiting for a referral for over a year, were waiting for a healthy white baby. Stunned, I looked at Tim and asked, “Do you care what color your children are?”
“Are you serious?” he answered.
“I didn’t think so, but if it’s an issue for all these people…”
“I think we need to talk to the director to change our paperwork.”
“Yeah-me too.”
And so we did-change our adoption plan, that is. We simply told them that we would stay in the international program. However, if a baby came through the agency for whom a family could not be found, please let us know. We were willing to switch programs. “We’ll accept whichever comes first, I guess,” we decided.

The end of July, 2005, our agency emailed me. The email read, “There is a birthmother who is carrying a full African American male who is looking for a young childless couple to parent her son. You are the only family we have that meets these qualifications that is willing to parent the child. She’s due Sept. 1st. Are you interested?”

“Yep-we’re interested.”

For the next week, we tried not to dwell on the possibility of being parents in thirty days or less. After all, this young woman still had to look at our profiles and actually choose us to parent her son. And then she had seven days after the birth to change her mind. “We’ll see what happens,” we both agreed. “But maybe we should buy some diapers or something, just in case.”

As God would have it, on August 8th, the agency called our home. (Phone calls from your adoption agency are either really good news, or really bad news…). Anyway, he said, “You’re not going to believe this, but the birthmother chose you to parent her son, and this morning I also got a referral for you from the Philippines. I know you requested a sibling group from the Philippines, but it is a referral for one male: two years old with some minor medical needs. Which adoption do you want to pursue?”
“What?!” I thought. We told God, “Whichever comes first!” I told the director I’d have to talk to Tim, and I’d call him back. I called Tim in a panic, and he just laughed.
“This is great! I have two sons!”
“What?! That’s crazy! Do you know how much that would cost?”
“We’ll find the money. Tell the director we want both referrals.”

Actually, God provided the money. He used good friends, the agency, the bank, and an amazing invention called a 0%- interest- for- one- year- credit card. (The US government provides a $10,600 tax credit for adoption, and the Army provides up to $5,000 cash reimbursement for adoption. But a family cannot use either of those until after the adoption is final-about a year after placement).

At this point, it was a waiting game. Dear friends let us borrow or have everything a family needs to welcome home a baby. They wanted to make sure that we didn’t go out and buy things like a crib, diapers, a pack-n-play, bottles, clothes, etc…and then the birthmother change her mind and choose to parent five days after we had the baby home. It would be devastating to have a furnished nursery and no baby.

By the last week of August I could hardly sleep. I carried the phone with me everywhere I went. I had dreams about babies, and wandered around Target looking at baby stuff until I snapped out of it and thought, “What am I doing? She could choose to parent this baby, and this dreaming is a waste of time. Go home and do something productive.”

Tim had a soccer game on August 30th. I was watching the team warm up when my cell phone rang. “A baby boy was born at 3:00 pm today!” exclaimed the director. “He weighs 7 lbs. 8 oz, and is healthy.”
I think my heart actually stopped beating for a few seconds. “And the birthmother?” I asked.
“She is fine, and she is solid in her adoption plan. She is scheduled to sign the papers tomorrow.”
I ran onto the field and said, “Timmy we have a baby! Timmy we have a baby!” He played horribly that night-being a little distracted in thought-but there was no question that he was very happy.

On September 1st, we drove to the adoption agency in Charlotte to meet God’s baby, who we had been calling, “September Baby” for a month. We were afraid to use the name we had chosen for him. There seemed to be less attachment to “September Baby.” But as soon as the social worker walked in with this tiny infant and placed him in Tim’s arms, he was no longer “September Baby.” He was “Baby C.”
















I don’t think there is a more surreal experience than the day you meet your child. I mean, a woman walked into the room, put a baby in our arms, and trusted us to drive away with him. Since I wasn’t pregnant, or expecting this baby for nine months, it was quite a shock. Tim felt like he’d stolen a pot of gold for days. “They just gave him to us,” he’d say. Really, God blessed a very brave and faithful young woman with him, who loved him enough to find a family for him that could give him what he needed. The world is a better, more hopeful place with young women like C.’s birthmother- young women who choose to walk the more difficult road for the love of a child.

So, we brought Baby C. home and have cared for him ever since. He is a legal risk placement because he has an unknown birthfather. That part of it has been a little scary at times, but on Feb. 28th , 2006, the legal time for a birthfather to come forward will expire. We will go to court, and he will be the child who God has entrusted to us forever.

I think our hearts still have a thin layer of reserve on them until we pass that last hurdle. But most days, when we’re laughing with him, talking to him, rocking him, reading to him, feeding him. . . all we feel is unbridled, unconditional love. And that won’t change even if God entrusts him to someone else.

Considering Adoption???

Choosing the Type of Adoption That is Best for You
Once families decide that adoption is a way that they want to grow their family, there are many questions. Considering there are hundreds of thousands of orphans in the world, Tim and I felt overwhelmed at times trying to decide which type of adoption to pursue. It is clear which child God has entrusted into your care when a child is born of your body, but trying to find the child that God has planned for your family through adoption is much more daunting. There are websites, like www.precious.org, that have photos of waiting children. (Most countries do not allow pictures of their orphans to be publicized). Foster care in America is overflowing with adoptable children, especially older children. We met hundreds of orphans in a dozen countries, and the task of knowing which child(ren) were for us was great.

Perhaps you are where we were a year and a half ago. You know that you want to adopt, but you don't know which type of adoption is best for your family: domestic or inter-country; same race or inter-racial; an infant or an older child; medical needs or a healthy child; an open or a closed adoption; an agency or a lawyer? Tim and I, as I often do, made a list to help down the search. That small list that led us to our sons grew into the following questionaire that we have used as speakers at adoption conferences. We hope that it helps to guide you to the children God has planned for your family.

Answer the following questions by choosing A or B:
Domestic or International Adoption?
1. Medical records/birth family history:
A. We want accurate and thorough medical records and family histories for our child.
B. We are willing to accept some medical surprises with our child. *

2. Foreign Travel:
A. We are very hesitant to travel outside of the United States, especially to a developing country. *
B. We see foreign travel as an adventure and are willing to go anywhere.

3. Birth Family contact:
A. We are comfortable sharing events and photos from our child’s life with the birth family for as long as the child is considered a minor.
B. We prefer not to share events and photos from our child’s life with the birth family.

4. Legal Risk:
A. We are comfortable with the fact that birthmothers have a legal right to change their minds about parenting within seven days, and that some children could come into our home with an even greater legal risk.
B. We are more comfortable with no legal risk.

5. Age of children:
A. We want an infant to come into our home as soon as possible-preferably right from the hospital after birth.
B. We would prefer to skip the crying and sleeping of infancy and adopt a child a little bit to a lot older.*

Look at the answer page to see more about starred questions, and to see if you lean more toward domestic or international adoption. Then continue the questionnaire in the appropriate section.

If You Lean Toward Domestic Adoption:
1. Open or closed adoption:
A. We look forward to sharing the events of our child’s life with his or her birth family.
B. We feel uncomfortable sharing the events of our child’s life with his or her birth family.

A. Seeing our child with his or her birth family would make us smile and feel joyful.
B. Seeing our child with his or her birth family would make us feel nervous and anxious.

A. We feel that continued contact and communication between my child and the birth family is in the best interest of the child.
B. We have serious concerns about continued contact between the child and birth family being in the child’s best interest.

2. Legal risk or no legal risk:
A. The thought of a child being placed in our care, and then taken from us-possibly more than six months later- is unbearable.
B. We would feel blessed to have a child in our home for as short or long as God allows.

A. We have never suffered the loss of a child through death, miscarriage, or a failed placement. Or we have suffered this loss and cannot bear to go through it again.
B. We have suffered the loss of a child through death, miscarriage, or a failed placement. Through this, we learned, among other things, that with God we can handle this experience again.

A. We do not have a grief counselor or pastor that we can turn to in times of trouble.
B. We have a trained professional to help us with our grief.

A. We feel very possessive about our children. We see them as ours, and believe that we are what is best for them.
B. We believe that all children’s are God’s children, and that only He knows what/where/who is best for them.

A. We think a child is better placed with us than with a single and/or young birth parent.
B. We can see benefits to a child being placed with a birth parent, even if he or she is young and single.

A. We have had little faith-growing life experiences, and would find it difficult to see God’s will in a failed placement.
B. We think that God will put the child where he or she is meant to shine, and even if we don’t understand it completely now, we know we will later, even if it takes fifty years to become clear. Past life experiences have made us confident in this, and we know that His way is the best way.

For International and Domestic Adoption:
1. A conspicuous (multiracial) family or not:
A. We do not want to address adoption comments about our family every time we leave the house.
B. We do not mind addressing adoption comments everywhere we go.

A. We do not like a lot of attention from strangers.
B. We don’t mind excessive attention.

A. We have a quick temper.
B. We are mild tempered.

A. Rudeness and ignorance directed at one of my loved ones infuriates me.
B. We can handle rudeness and ignorance directed at our family calmly.

A. We are unwilling to take classes to help us address issues that arise in a conspicuous family.
B. We are willing to take classes to help us address issues that arise in a conspicuous family.

A. We live in communities with, and associate with, people of predominantly our same race.
B. We live in a community, and associate with, people of varied races.

A. We are not willing to move or expand our lives to incorporate more cultural diversity.
B. We are willing to do whatever it takes to bring more color and diversity into our lives.

A. We believe that all people are the same.
B. We believe that all people are equal, and they have different cultures, histories, and traditions.

A. We believe that children of all color and races should be raised the same way.
B. We believe that though children are loved the same amount, each child should be exposed to different experiences by their parents that pertain to the child’s specific cultures in order to establish a strong identity with his or her native race.

A. We are willing to wait years for a child.
B. We would like a placement in a matter on months.

A. After searching deep within, we know that we have many unresolved prejudices toward people of some other races, and it will take a lot of work and time to overcome them.
B. After searching deep within, we are confident that we are aware of, and have control of, any prejudices that we have. *

A. We feel uncomfortable in the face of diversity.
B. We celebrate diversity.

A. We would not make time to incorporate our child’s native traditions and cultures into our family.
B. We would go out of our way to incorporate our child’s native traditions and cultures into our family.

A. We strongly want our child to physically resemble us.
B. We do not care if our child physically resembles us. *

2. An infant or an older child
A. We want the adoption experience to mirror as closely as possible the
experience of having a biological child.
B. We are willing to sacrifice some of the aspects of having a biological child by adopting a child.

A. We see it as a blessing to wake up every 3 hours in the middle of the night to feed our child.
B. It would be a relief to adopt a child who is old enough to sleep through the night.

A. We feel that the first few years of life are crucial to establishing who the child will become as an adult.
B. We feel that habits can be made and broken well into childhood.

A. We are younger, and have decades before we are too old to enjoy grand children.
B. We are older, and would like to live long enough to actively play with grand children.

A. We do not want to deal with any attachment-related issues in a child.
B. We are prepared to deal with some attachment-related issues that may come with an older child.

A. We want to savor a year of moments with an infant that include diaper changing, rocking, and soothing them when they are crying.
B. We want a child to actively interact with immediately.

3. Medical needs or a healthy child?
A. Our insurance covers nearly every medical need that a child could have.
B. We have very limited health insurance, and it will cover very few medical needs.

A. Our health insurance covers emotional/behavioral health for the child as well as physical health.
B. Emotional/behavioral health is not included in our health insurance.

A. Our expectations and vision of our child do not include a child who is perfectly healthy.
B. Our expectations and vision of our child include an image of a perfectly healthy person. *

A. We have spoken with a doctor about the possible medical needs that the agency presented to us. Our knowledge of them is realistic and sufficient.
B. We checked, “no” for all of the medical needs and have not spoken to a doctor about what any of them entail.

A. Our pediatrician is willing to refer my child to a qualified specialist if needed, and our insurance will cover this.
B. Our pediatrician is hesitant to make specialty referrals.

A. We have the time to spend with our child doing physical therapy and going on numerous doctor visits.
B. We prefer to spend our limited time with our child doing other things besides uncomfortable, and sometimes painful, physical therapy and going to the doctor.

A. We can handle seeing our child in pain.
B. We never want to see our child in pain, and we do not know if we are strong enough to do this.

A. We have experience with children with medical needs.
B. We have never spent time with special needs children.

A. We enjoy children of all abilities, and we are not made uncomfortable around people with medical needs.
B. We often feel uncomfortable around people with medical needs.

A. Our insurance deductible is very reasonable and will not set us back too far.
B. We struggle to make our medical deductible payments.

ANSWERS

DOMESTIC VS. INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION:
If most of your answers were A: You lean toward domestic adoption.
If most of your answers were B: You lean toward international adoption.
**** Note: Medical surprises can show up in any child, and family histories may be scarce even in a domestic adoption. Some countries do not require foreign travel for adoption; they can escort a child to you. Fees can vary greatly by country. Some countries, like Guatemala, have fees near $30,000. Other countries have fees in the $11,000-$13,000 range. And of course, toddlers and older children are available for adoption domestically as well. However, it is very rare to be able to adopt a baby less than six months old internationally, though this is possible domestically.

DOMESTIC ADOPTION
OPEN VS. CLOSED ADOPTION:
A: You lean toward accepting an open adoption.
B: You lean toward preferring a closed adoption.
LEGAL RISK VS. NO LEGAL RISK:
A: You lean toward NO legal risk.
B: You lean toward being able to handle legal risk.

DOMESTIC AND INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION
CONSPICUOUS FAMILY VS. INCONSCPICUOUS FAMILY:
A: You would do best to adopt a child of your same race.
B: You could consider a conspicuous family.
**** Note: To say that a person has no prejudices is unrealistic. Most of us hold stereotypes of certain races, and prejudices sneak up on us. The difference is whether or not we admit this, are striving to recognize these stereotypes within ourselves, correct them, and prevent new ones from entering our minds. I recommend the course “Conspicuous Families” on www.adoptionlearningpartners.org for more information and preparation.
AN INFANT VS. AN OLDER CHILD:
A: You lean toward adopting an infant.
B: You lean toward adopting an older child.
***Note: I recommend the course “The Journey to Attachment” on www.adoptionlearningpartners.org for more information and preparation.
MEDICAL NEEDS VS. A HEALTHY CHILD:
A: You may be prepared to parent a child with medical needs.
B: A healthy child would most likely fit best into your family.
***Note: Many, if not most, children placed internationally who have spent time in an orphanage will be labeled as having “developmental delays”. Provided there is no brain damage, these children will usually catch up to their peers in time with nurturing from a dedicated family. Many medical needs are completely correctable, and your pediatrician can clarify the specifics of any possible need a child may have.

The Past 7 Years. . .

The Past Seven Years. . .
It's staggering how quickly life goes by, and how different I perceive myself to be today from who I was seven years ago. Seven years ago, I would fall asleep to Tim reading Chausser to me. We'd go to work if we felt like it; go to class if we felt like it-sometimes skipping just to take 20 mile bike rides in the corn of Nebraska. Life was simple to say the least. We married in 1998 just after I returned from a three month mission to Takahagi, Japan where I had been working as a Bible teacher for a couple of summers. We lived in a slanted apartment, above three Pakistani guys who cooked stinky food. We stole our furniture from the Goodwill dumpster across the street, ate Ramen noodles every day, and frequently went without electricity due to a faulty breaker. But none of that mattered then. When we didn't have power, we climbed onto the roof to look at the stars, or we took long walks in the rain. Everyone should have years like that-where life is simple.

But then the student loan bills came; I was trying to get three BA's in four years (which I did by carrying an insane load); Tim's job as a group home counselor was getting beyond tolerable, and we were forced out of the Norman Rockwell painting some call, "Nebraska," and into the real world via the US Army.

Of course, I had many reservations about Tim joining the Army. I mean, I still drink from a coffee mug that reads, "I'm a pacifist-like Jesus." But Tim said, "They'll pay off all of the student loans (which they did), and then I'm out (which he's not)." They-whoever "they" are-say to never talk about religion and politics on a first date. Well, some rules never expire. As it should be in marriage, we've both come inward from our extreme beliefs some to meet closer in the middle. And where we still disagree, we disagree peaceably (which means silently). It's true-best friends have much more exciting times when they aren't clones of each other.

There are many advantages to the military: no student loans, free medical, free masters degree programs, job security, housing, etc. . .however, I found myself suddenly without direction. We previosuly planned on moving to Japan long-term to work as missionaries. And now? Surely my life plan was not to be a high school English teacher. Fulfilling for some, I grew weary of it fast. I fell into quite a slump, and ironically enough, it was Nietzche who pulled me out of it with his quote, "His disciples will have to look more saved if I am to believe in this Savior." I needed to snap out of it, and find the joy HE gave me again.

I realized that just because Tim joined the Army didn't mean that I couldn't do missions anymore. Afterall, the Army takes him away for 6-12 months of nearly every year. So, when Tim took off training, I joined a medical mission team in Surinam, S. America. When Tim flew off to Korea, I taught Bible and worked with refugees in Burma, Cambodia and Thailand. When Tim was sent to Afghanistan, I returned to Burma and Cambodia. It has turned out to be a very fulfilling seven years for both of us.
































Tim and I spent a much needed vacation in France for our five year anniversay. We were together 5 weeks that year, and we lived the two weeks we spent in France to the fullest. We tresspassed into vineyards in Eparnay, drank in champagne cellars, took a rickety elevator to the top of the Eiffel Tower, kissed under every bridge along the Seine, and hiked the steps up to Sacre Coeur.

In our sixth year of marriage, Tim and I found ourselves at a very questionable outdoor cafe in Nogales, Mexico. (I couldn't reveal the details of how we ended up there, even I wanted to. . .). Eventually, the conversation turned to orphans we had seen and worked with around the world. It quickly became clear that we both desired to do something more permenant to care for God's children than handing out clothes and food a few months a year. So, we decided to pursue adoption. How we chose a country, an agency, age, medical needs, the number of orphans, etc...is information for another post. Though I can say that we both felt like we needed to live the next year to its fullest becuase life after children would slow us both down, or at least keep me in America more than I had been used to in a long time. And honestly, I was jealous of Tim on occasion. I would think about how he could still run off to far away places and help the oppressed, make new friends of other faiths, learn new languages. I wouldn't be able to. I remembered a poem by Amy Carmichael-a missionary to India in the 1800's. She spent her entire life saving little girls from Hindu temple postitution, sometimes staying awake with thirty babies night after night all alone becuase no one else would move to India and help her. In frustration, she wrote, "Onward Christian soldiers, sitting on the mats; nice and warm and cozy, like little pussycats; Onward Christian soldiers, Oh how brave are we; don't we do our fighting very comfortably?" Naive, I thought that staying home to raise children would turn my faith into something far too comfortable, which would then lead to apathy, stagnation, and spiritual death. I thought, "If I'm not here-in the jungle, in the camps, then what good am I? How will I grow? How can I possibly become more like Christ in the suburbs?" Oh how wrong I was! Mothers are some of God's most well used servants, and plowing the way for Christ to shine fully through the children He has entrusted us with is a humbling journey. The experience of parenting has grown Tim and I both spiritually, and though we are blissfully happy, we are often far from comfortable. Which is how it should be.