Considering Adoption???

Choosing the Type of Adoption That is Best for You
Once families decide that adoption is a way that they want to grow their family, there are many questions. Considering there are hundreds of thousands of orphans in the world, Tim and I felt overwhelmed at times trying to decide which type of adoption to pursue. It is clear which child God has entrusted into your care when a child is born of your body, but trying to find the child that God has planned for your family through adoption is much more daunting. There are websites, like www.precious.org, that have photos of waiting children. (Most countries do not allow pictures of their orphans to be publicized). Foster care in America is overflowing with adoptable children, especially older children. We met hundreds of orphans in a dozen countries, and the task of knowing which child(ren) were for us was great.

Perhaps you are where we were a year and a half ago. You know that you want to adopt, but you don't know which type of adoption is best for your family: domestic or inter-country; same race or inter-racial; an infant or an older child; medical needs or a healthy child; an open or a closed adoption; an agency or a lawyer? Tim and I, as I often do, made a list to help down the search. That small list that led us to our sons grew into the following questionaire that we have used as speakers at adoption conferences. We hope that it helps to guide you to the children God has planned for your family.

Answer the following questions by choosing A or B:
Domestic or International Adoption?
1. Medical records/birth family history:
A. We want accurate and thorough medical records and family histories for our child.
B. We are willing to accept some medical surprises with our child. *

2. Foreign Travel:
A. We are very hesitant to travel outside of the United States, especially to a developing country. *
B. We see foreign travel as an adventure and are willing to go anywhere.

3. Birth Family contact:
A. We are comfortable sharing events and photos from our child’s life with the birth family for as long as the child is considered a minor.
B. We prefer not to share events and photos from our child’s life with the birth family.

4. Legal Risk:
A. We are comfortable with the fact that birthmothers have a legal right to change their minds about parenting within seven days, and that some children could come into our home with an even greater legal risk.
B. We are more comfortable with no legal risk.

5. Age of children:
A. We want an infant to come into our home as soon as possible-preferably right from the hospital after birth.
B. We would prefer to skip the crying and sleeping of infancy and adopt a child a little bit to a lot older.*

Look at the answer page to see more about starred questions, and to see if you lean more toward domestic or international adoption. Then continue the questionnaire in the appropriate section.

If You Lean Toward Domestic Adoption:
1. Open or closed adoption:
A. We look forward to sharing the events of our child’s life with his or her birth family.
B. We feel uncomfortable sharing the events of our child’s life with his or her birth family.

A. Seeing our child with his or her birth family would make us smile and feel joyful.
B. Seeing our child with his or her birth family would make us feel nervous and anxious.

A. We feel that continued contact and communication between my child and the birth family is in the best interest of the child.
B. We have serious concerns about continued contact between the child and birth family being in the child’s best interest.

2. Legal risk or no legal risk:
A. The thought of a child being placed in our care, and then taken from us-possibly more than six months later- is unbearable.
B. We would feel blessed to have a child in our home for as short or long as God allows.

A. We have never suffered the loss of a child through death, miscarriage, or a failed placement. Or we have suffered this loss and cannot bear to go through it again.
B. We have suffered the loss of a child through death, miscarriage, or a failed placement. Through this, we learned, among other things, that with God we can handle this experience again.

A. We do not have a grief counselor or pastor that we can turn to in times of trouble.
B. We have a trained professional to help us with our grief.

A. We feel very possessive about our children. We see them as ours, and believe that we are what is best for them.
B. We believe that all children’s are God’s children, and that only He knows what/where/who is best for them.

A. We think a child is better placed with us than with a single and/or young birth parent.
B. We can see benefits to a child being placed with a birth parent, even if he or she is young and single.

A. We have had little faith-growing life experiences, and would find it difficult to see God’s will in a failed placement.
B. We think that God will put the child where he or she is meant to shine, and even if we don’t understand it completely now, we know we will later, even if it takes fifty years to become clear. Past life experiences have made us confident in this, and we know that His way is the best way.

For International and Domestic Adoption:
1. A conspicuous (multiracial) family or not:
A. We do not want to address adoption comments about our family every time we leave the house.
B. We do not mind addressing adoption comments everywhere we go.

A. We do not like a lot of attention from strangers.
B. We don’t mind excessive attention.

A. We have a quick temper.
B. We are mild tempered.

A. Rudeness and ignorance directed at one of my loved ones infuriates me.
B. We can handle rudeness and ignorance directed at our family calmly.

A. We are unwilling to take classes to help us address issues that arise in a conspicuous family.
B. We are willing to take classes to help us address issues that arise in a conspicuous family.

A. We live in communities with, and associate with, people of predominantly our same race.
B. We live in a community, and associate with, people of varied races.

A. We are not willing to move or expand our lives to incorporate more cultural diversity.
B. We are willing to do whatever it takes to bring more color and diversity into our lives.

A. We believe that all people are the same.
B. We believe that all people are equal, and they have different cultures, histories, and traditions.

A. We believe that children of all color and races should be raised the same way.
B. We believe that though children are loved the same amount, each child should be exposed to different experiences by their parents that pertain to the child’s specific cultures in order to establish a strong identity with his or her native race.

A. We are willing to wait years for a child.
B. We would like a placement in a matter on months.

A. After searching deep within, we know that we have many unresolved prejudices toward people of some other races, and it will take a lot of work and time to overcome them.
B. After searching deep within, we are confident that we are aware of, and have control of, any prejudices that we have. *

A. We feel uncomfortable in the face of diversity.
B. We celebrate diversity.

A. We would not make time to incorporate our child’s native traditions and cultures into our family.
B. We would go out of our way to incorporate our child’s native traditions and cultures into our family.

A. We strongly want our child to physically resemble us.
B. We do not care if our child physically resembles us. *

2. An infant or an older child
A. We want the adoption experience to mirror as closely as possible the
experience of having a biological child.
B. We are willing to sacrifice some of the aspects of having a biological child by adopting a child.

A. We see it as a blessing to wake up every 3 hours in the middle of the night to feed our child.
B. It would be a relief to adopt a child who is old enough to sleep through the night.

A. We feel that the first few years of life are crucial to establishing who the child will become as an adult.
B. We feel that habits can be made and broken well into childhood.

A. We are younger, and have decades before we are too old to enjoy grand children.
B. We are older, and would like to live long enough to actively play with grand children.

A. We do not want to deal with any attachment-related issues in a child.
B. We are prepared to deal with some attachment-related issues that may come with an older child.

A. We want to savor a year of moments with an infant that include diaper changing, rocking, and soothing them when they are crying.
B. We want a child to actively interact with immediately.

3. Medical needs or a healthy child?
A. Our insurance covers nearly every medical need that a child could have.
B. We have very limited health insurance, and it will cover very few medical needs.

A. Our health insurance covers emotional/behavioral health for the child as well as physical health.
B. Emotional/behavioral health is not included in our health insurance.

A. Our expectations and vision of our child do not include a child who is perfectly healthy.
B. Our expectations and vision of our child include an image of a perfectly healthy person. *

A. We have spoken with a doctor about the possible medical needs that the agency presented to us. Our knowledge of them is realistic and sufficient.
B. We checked, “no” for all of the medical needs and have not spoken to a doctor about what any of them entail.

A. Our pediatrician is willing to refer my child to a qualified specialist if needed, and our insurance will cover this.
B. Our pediatrician is hesitant to make specialty referrals.

A. We have the time to spend with our child doing physical therapy and going on numerous doctor visits.
B. We prefer to spend our limited time with our child doing other things besides uncomfortable, and sometimes painful, physical therapy and going to the doctor.

A. We can handle seeing our child in pain.
B. We never want to see our child in pain, and we do not know if we are strong enough to do this.

A. We have experience with children with medical needs.
B. We have never spent time with special needs children.

A. We enjoy children of all abilities, and we are not made uncomfortable around people with medical needs.
B. We often feel uncomfortable around people with medical needs.

A. Our insurance deductible is very reasonable and will not set us back too far.
B. We struggle to make our medical deductible payments.

ANSWERS

DOMESTIC VS. INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION:
If most of your answers were A: You lean toward domestic adoption.
If most of your answers were B: You lean toward international adoption.
**** Note: Medical surprises can show up in any child, and family histories may be scarce even in a domestic adoption. Some countries do not require foreign travel for adoption; they can escort a child to you. Fees can vary greatly by country. Some countries, like Guatemala, have fees near $30,000. Other countries have fees in the $11,000-$13,000 range. And of course, toddlers and older children are available for adoption domestically as well. However, it is very rare to be able to adopt a baby less than six months old internationally, though this is possible domestically.

DOMESTIC ADOPTION
OPEN VS. CLOSED ADOPTION:
A: You lean toward accepting an open adoption.
B: You lean toward preferring a closed adoption.
LEGAL RISK VS. NO LEGAL RISK:
A: You lean toward NO legal risk.
B: You lean toward being able to handle legal risk.

DOMESTIC AND INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION
CONSPICUOUS FAMILY VS. INCONSCPICUOUS FAMILY:
A: You would do best to adopt a child of your same race.
B: You could consider a conspicuous family.
**** Note: To say that a person has no prejudices is unrealistic. Most of us hold stereotypes of certain races, and prejudices sneak up on us. The difference is whether or not we admit this, are striving to recognize these stereotypes within ourselves, correct them, and prevent new ones from entering our minds. I recommend the course “Conspicuous Families” on www.adoptionlearningpartners.org for more information and preparation.
AN INFANT VS. AN OLDER CHILD:
A: You lean toward adopting an infant.
B: You lean toward adopting an older child.
***Note: I recommend the course “The Journey to Attachment” on www.adoptionlearningpartners.org for more information and preparation.
MEDICAL NEEDS VS. A HEALTHY CHILD:
A: You may be prepared to parent a child with medical needs.
B: A healthy child would most likely fit best into your family.
***Note: Many, if not most, children placed internationally who have spent time in an orphanage will be labeled as having “developmental delays”. Provided there is no brain damage, these children will usually catch up to their peers in time with nurturing from a dedicated family. Many medical needs are completely correctable, and your pediatrician can clarify the specifics of any possible need a child may have.