Adoption Speak

I don't get hung up on P.C. speech.  Say "Special education" or "Exceptional child education"; "Black" or "African American".  I don't care. I will say though that my oldest is NOT "Oriental". Things are "oriental", like rugs.  People from that far off continent are "Asian." To those who have called my son, "oriental",  I'm sure you were doing so out of ignorance, not malice, so no harm done.  Please forgive the, "He's not a vase," mumbled under my breath.  Now you know.  

As an adoptive mom I hear all sorts of comments.  And since my kids are usually within earshot, and the comments are often about them, I'm a little more sensitive to what is said, how it's worded, and how it's heard in my kids' ears.  I'm going to assume that most people are simply ignorant.  Adoption is foreign to them, and well-intentioned, good hearted people ask questions and make comments that really aren't appropriate.  This post may shed some light on what I'm talking about. 

Comments we hear at Walmart, restaurants, the park, church, school...:

1. "Are those your real children?"  What I want to say:  "Yes, I leave the fake ones at home." What my kids hear: "Why would someone look at our family and question whether or not I'm a real person?  Why isn't Mommy my real Mommy?"  What the speaker means, and SHOULD say: "Are they biologically your children?"  or "Are you an adoptive family?"  My answer: "Yes, they are ours.  We are an adoptive family."

2. "OH!  Are they adopted?"  What I want to say: "Please, make them feel like more of a freak of nature-ask us if they're part iguana."  What my kids hear: "Wow-people can tell I'm weird just by looking at me from across the room!"  What the speaker SHOULD say: "Are you an adoptive family?"  My answer: "Yes, we are."

*Yes...there's a pattern here.  "Adoptive FAMILY" is a good, P.C. term.  It shines the adoption spotlight on everyone in the family to share equally instead of one kid-the adopted one, often young and insecure-being singled out as being different in front of strangers.

3. "How much did they cost?"  What I want to say, and often do because this one makes me mad: "I don't buy babies.  That's a felony."  What my kids hear: "There is a dollar amount on my worth."  What the speaker SHOULD have asked: "How much are the fees associated with adoption?"  What I would tell you then: "About the same as birthing a baby, without complications, and there is an $11,000 tax credit to help defer some of the expense."  

4. "Aren't you sad you can't have your own children?"  What I want to say, and sometimes do: "These are my OWN children, and are you kidding me? Look at them!  They're AMAZING!  How could I want anyone other than them?!."  What my kids hear: "Please Mommy say that you love us as much as you would love a biological child.  If other people doubt that, maybe we should too."  What the speaker SHOULD have said, PRIVATELY: "Are you sad you couldn't have biological children?"  My answer: "No.  We chose adoption."

5. "They're so lucky to have you!" What I say: "I'm blessed to have THEM."  What my kids hear: "Why are we lucky?  What's so wrong with us that no one else would want us?"  What the speaker SHOULD have said, "What beautiful children!  You are so blessed to be their mom!"My answer then: "Yes, I am!" Besides, I'm a Christian, so luck has nothing to do with it.

6. "I know someone who adopted.  They had to give those kids back because they were so messed up and couldn't adjust."  What I want to say: "Are you SERIOUSLY saying this out loud in front of my children!?"  What my kids hear: "Our adoption isn't permanent; it's subject to my good behavior."  What the speaker SHOULD have said: "I know someone who adopted.  It can have its own challenges."  My response: "Yes, parenting is a big responsibility and it doesn't always turn out like we plan.  But adoption is forever, just like with a biological family."

7. "Do you know his real mom?"  What I want to say, "I am his real mom."  What the kids hear: "I have a real mom?  Who are you then?"  What the speaker MEANT to say to avoid raising my ire: "Do you have contact with their birth families?"  My answer then: "We have limited contact with them, and respect them very much for the loving choice they made."

8. Something along the lines of "Are you babysitting?"  "Are you a foster mom?"  "They don't look like you" (ya think!) or the long stare that says, "What is THIS family situation?"  What I say: "We're an adoptive family."  What the speaker SHOULD have said: nothing. Or-you guessed it- "Are you an adoptive family?"  

9. "You're just like Angelina Jolie!" What I want to say: "No.  I definitely am not.  But if sharing one common cause makes you just like someone else, then I guess I'm her clone, despite my five foot nothing-ness, ponytail and sweat pants in the Walmart aisle."  What the speaker SHOULD have said: Nothing.  I really am tired of this one.  Not that she isn't a great person...I just don't like being compared to anyone, and I certainly don't adopt to be celeb. 

There are countless other odd comments we've received, but those are the big nine, unless it's Tim and Jason with the kids at Walmart.  They get a whole other set of looks and comments! HA!  So my point is, if you see a conspicuous family and want to know more, please consider what those kids will hear when you begin asking questions.  Think if it were your family.  Know that adoptive families have the same amount of love running through them as biological ones, so no...you can't get away with these comments because it won't offend the mom as much as talking about her "real" children.  Those are her "real" children.  They do offend, and they confuse, but they also open the door for education and productive adoption conversation. 

When in doubt, go with, "Are you an adoptive family?" with a big welcoming smile. Leave luck out of it; remember we're all adopted through Jesus, and those kids are our most treasured gifts, so please don't make them squirm in uncomfortability in their grocery carts and set mom up for a long talk in the car on the way home about how we really are a REAL family.  (Yes, I made up that word.)  

Please continue to pray for the sweet set of hands that are not in our family circle yet, but are waiting in Africa.  Hopefully, more details later.